Saturday, December 26, 2009

Over numerous cups of coffee

Well have had the following revelations about relationships over numerous cups of bad office coffee, some good barista coffee and well just coffee, because I am not the lets talk stuff over drinks person :-) Thought it might be interesting to share this debunking of myths with people out here :-) Its probably just a continuation to being in twenties post earlier but exclusively with respect to relationships.


The space myth : Oh we have all heard that we should give our partner space. Girls are told more often than boys that they should give their guys space. Yes it is necessary to give space. But what I have seen many people I know do is take getting space to mean being able to whatever they like without any consideration of what their partner wants or feels like. So if the partner says that such and such habit of theirs is not to their liking people accuse their partners of not giving them space. Space does not mean that you encroach on the self respects and rights of you partner. You do what you like within the limits of your partner's personal space too. You give some you take some.

The commitment myth : 'But I didn't think of another guy/girl while I was with them, doesn't that show I am committed?' No it doesn't. Did you discuss the future of your relationship with them and if yes did you ensure that you included them in your vision of your future? Are you still jittery about introducing them to all your friends or keep crying for time to introduce them to family? Does your family atleast know that such aperson exists in your life even if they think its a friend? Commitment is not just marriage or being monogamous. It means that you commit to share your lives and in that case you include your partner in all aspects of your life. You can't say you are committed if a part of your life doesn't even know about the existence of your partner. Then you are devaluing your partner's importance in your life and it would also seem to them that you are not sure of the relationship and that is why you have an escape route ready by not acknowledging their existence. Don't be surprised if they out of the blue dump you. They probably tried to talk but you might have given them the I need space and time talk everytime they asked. And one can ask only so many times. Also a person I spoke to told me that they could of course not be there for the other person always coz guys have other things too apart from their love life. So what is your love life, a time pass diversion to you? And if other things are so important why don't you live with with just them other things? Why get into a relationship?

The relationships shouldn't be hard work myth : Well here is the truth. Life is difficult, so nothing in it can be easy. It seems that people take it literally when they read all those relationship self help books. If you believe them nothing in life should be hard. It should all be blissful and perfect. Well kiddo doesn't work so. You have to actively work at maintaining a relationship. If at the first conflict you abandon it saying it has to be easy then maybe you have commitment issues. Also people have the absurd expectation (probably comes from the media of which I am a guilty party) that partners have to absolutely understand them almost to the point of telepathy. And not just that partners should think exactly like them in everything. Again completely wrong. You are two different individuals and so you will think differently. You will not agree on everything, sometimes you may have to give up something, sometimes they might. Never expect the other person to do it always. Don't give them the you should love me as I am speech. Relationships mean that there will be some changes you have to make. It should not change who you are but you can't say that you won't budge an inch. If you were so happy doing only what you want without considering anyone else then you better remain single.

4 comments:

feddabonn said...

i guess commitment *is rather misunderstood, isn't it! dad used to talk of how one doesn't 'fall' in and out of love, one makes a 'choice' to love. isn't that the same 'commitment' you are speaking of?

my wife and i have been having this long (a few weeks of-and-on) conversation about which ultimately work, arranged or love marriages. in her culture, arranged marriages are the norm, and so people (she knows) who have made the love marriage jump have made very conscious decisions, often at the cost of alienating family. in the light of what you have said, this is probably so because of a stronger commitment, precisely because of the sacrifice which went into it.

in my culture, though, love marriages are the norm, and i see them failing everyday!

i think the issue is this- when looking at longevity, marriages cannot be classified according to whether they are love or arranged. what matters is the commitment the couple bring into it!

indianhomemaker said...

Totally with you about commitment and the space myth. Men are known to talk of 'needing space' when they want to cheat or break up.
... but the one about relationships needing hard work, leaves me undecided and confused. I feel some amount of hard work is fine, but it shouldn't feel like such hard work, and one shouldn't be left feeling "I am not good enough for him"... And after a point, do you think, it might mean one isn't in the right relationship?

Cilla said...

You are right IHM..well the part about hard work is what I have seen most people in my generation do which is why I wrote it, coz today there are many more options, so what happens is that at the sight of the first difficulty, the tendency is to abandon all effort and let the relationship go...the idea of actively working on a relationship is slowly dying I feel.

girlsguidetosurvival said...

Fully agree relationships are a hard work. It is like tending a garden. One has to water (nurture), weed (remove taken for grantedness) and groom (maintain excitement). If one fails and comes back after six months looking for a garden, all that is left is a jungle. :)

IHM,
It is not about me being good enough for him/her, it is about are we growing personally and together at the same time. Do we enjoy each other's company or we try avoiding behind the newspaper or in the front of TV.

About commitment:
When caught watching porno on net, he said look even if I am watching this I am thinking about you. She nagged a little and he said I am married to you what more proof of my commitment do you want. :)

Keep it up.

Peace,

Desi Girl